Marsha wasn’t one for over celebrating. It was an effort to lessen the disappointment when gifts or parties were not comparable to those of my friends. We were in no way underprivileged but Christmas was one major gift and stocking stuffers. Birthdays guaranteed a new pair of shoes and your choice of dinner that night. I can recall a momentous year by the gift, my first down comforter and CD player (not the mobile kind) rank at the top. When there is not an over indulgence there is appreciation, and in my case, more room for the day itself to make an impression. The significance of a coincidence of a day and its events has always been a thing for me. On my mothers side of the family we have at least 5 C2’s (2nd cousins) with the same birthday. On my fathers side an aunt who religiously sent birthday cards to us all and updated our pre-filled birthday calendars for Christmas. Dates are important. My first born and her father have the same birthday. Both of my girls were born on Easter their respective years. My Grandmother died the night before my birthday and my mother passed on my daughters birthday…to have your day of birth marked by a day of death…when asked if we tell Hadley mom passed on her birthday or not, I knew that this would only better her. It would have purpose, eventually.
What no one tells you about grief is the physical pain, that it rumbles in your chest walls as your mind and heart battle over how you failed the deceased. Hindsight in a traumatic loss scenario can be damning. There is a thin line between grief and guilt. You want a humbling experience? Honestly admitting to only truly meet your mother and all that was her (OUTSIDE OF BEING YOUR MOM) while becoming a mother… only in her death. To loose her and have the world tell you about each individual impact she made. I had been shown over and over again, women and mothers acknowledging life’s ‘Lefts Turns’ with a smile and their shoulders back. From the outside looking in it all seemed to be “part of the plan,” despite what was obviously NOT part of the plan. It seemed like it was effortless, so as a young newer mother, loosing her allowed for major growth. Would all those plan breaking events to have purpose?
It may have taken a couple of trials, but I realize people who say things like “God has a plan” in the midst of turmoil more than likely have not experienced a “Left Turn”. They must not have had to suffer the life altering, daily pain I now cary. Surely the life trifecta of divorce, the return home with kids in tow, and then watching my mother disappear was not by design, “his plan?” The plan was full of “Left Turns” but his timing was perfect. The perfect timing of a moment is more than a coincidence. The average, plan unaffected, human misses his daily affirmations and excuses them as coincidences. Through those coincidences pain enables purpose, as if to back up that turmoil is part of the plan.
Even as I sit here and try and explain how I am shown “purpose” despite lack of an earthly plan … the movie I am watching in the background shows Diane Keaton loving on a lady bug crawling on her hand “its is you, its you” she whispers to the spotted bug...
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March 31st we get the keys to Bobwhite. (3 months early)
March 31st is Kates birthday.
March 31st is the anniversary of our first date.
March 31st is a Wednesday and classically titled date night for the fiancé, formerly known as Mr. Flowers.
Plan or purpose, I am still undecided…stay tuned.
See what Emma Jane’s doing next https://gofund.me/2fa4428b
